Michelangelo’s Jesus
Michelangelo’s Jesus
A ten minute play
by
Paola Bruni
CHARACTER
CLARISSA – Elizabeth’s niece. American, early thirties, single, slight in stature, loves floral prints. Raised Catholic, but now considers herself “metaphysical”. In and out of relationships with men. Highly emotional, flighty, tends toward the dramatic.
ELIZABETH – Clarissa’s aunt. American, early fifties, single, opinionated, outspoken, edgy, intellectual. Easily bored. Likes to give the impression she has seen it all before. Was also raised Catholic, but considers herself “undetermined” when it comes to faith.
PIETRO – The docent. Italian Catholic, late sixties, elegant, savvy, and well mannered. Knowledgeable, friendly, deeply curious about people and their ideas. His job is an avocation and so his approach is one of great respect. He appreciates theological discussion.
MS. CRABTREE – The British tourist. Christian, churchgoer. Sixty to sixty-five-years old, gray haired, tidy in her dress and appearance. She is a widow who feels at ease in the company of strangers. Exhibits a natural wry humor.
TIME: Mid-morning, present day
PLACE: The church of Santo Spirito, Florence, Italy. Entrance to the southern nave.
AT RISE: CLARISSA clutches pamphlets to her chest and spins in a circle with a look of enthusiastic wonder. Elizabeth stands nearby stoic. Organ music plays quietly in the background.
CLARISSA
It takes my breath away.
ELIZABETH
What part? Exactly? So far, nearly all of Florence has taken your breath away. I’m surprised you aren’t attached to a ventilator.
CLARISSA
(ignoring Elizabeth’s sarcasm) How can you not be moved to tears by it? Thousands of years of history, the struggle to create art, the astounding beauty.
ELIZABETH
(dry, bored response) Yeah, yeah. I know. But once you’ve seen one, maybe two, you’ve pretty much seen them all.
DOCENT approaches the women. He carries a clipboard and a microphone is attached to his lapel.
DOCENT
Signorine, may I be of assistance?
CLARISSA
Oh yes, please! There’s so much to see here. Brunelleschi’s cupola, alter pieces by Fillipo Lippi, Michelangelo’s Jesus.
ELIZABETH
Don’t mind my niece. She memorizes guidebooks. (turning to Clarissa) Honestly, Clarissa, this gentleman, Pietro, is it? He can give us a tour, can’t you?
CLARISSA
Please, yes, a tour.
DOCENT
Of course, signorine. I don’t have an official tour scheduled until one o’clock. In the meantime, I can certainly offer some insights as to the key features of La Chiesa Santo Spirito. Translated, the church of the Holy Ghost.
DOCENT walks women to the opposite side of the stage, turns and gestures broadly at the fourth wall to indicate the location of a sculpture.
DOCENT
Shall we begin here?
ELIZABETH
The Jesus?
DOCENT
Si. Il Jesu di Michelangelo.
ELIZABETH
He looks scrawny.
CLARISSA
You have no soul.
DOCENT
(ignoring the women) Michelangelo carved this when he was just 17 years old. One of his first masterpieces, unique in the delicacy and extraordinary skill of the carving, but a most profoundly unique depiction of our Lord on the crucifix because…
ELIZABETH
He’s naked. Right? Because he’s in the buff. Right?
The DOCENT nods affirmatively.
CLARISSA
He is stunning.
ELIZABETH
He’s awfully small.
DOCENT
The crucifix is obviously not a life-size rendering.
ELIZABETH
I didn’t mean the overall size of the man. Proportionately, his family jewels are pretty puny for a God, that’s all I’m saying.
CLARISSA
Forgive my aunt Sir. She has no heart or soul. Elizabeth, could you be less like yourself for a minute and more like…
ELIZABETH
Like who? Like one of your uppity spiritual friends? No. I don’t think so. I appreciate the artistry. I do. I just don’t get why Michelangelo gave him a dick the size of my pinky finger.
DOCENT
It is an interesting question to ponder. Was the Maestro making a statement that Jesus had to subjugate this part of himself in order to be the Savior? His nudity is unusual. Perhaps Michelangelo was simply attempting to stay true to scripture.
In Psalm 22:18, Jesus is quoted, “They part my garments among them and cast lots upon my vesture.”
This phrase tells us that Jesus witnessed the soldiers at the crucifixion throwing dice to win his clothes, and that in fact, he was naked on the crucifix.
ELIZABETH
Then why is Jesus’ junk covered up most of the time? I mean, unless he’s a baby, he’s always wearing a sheet…
CLARISSA
Loincloth. It’s called a loincloth. Why are you hyper focusing on his genitals instead of enjoying the whole sculpture? I mean, look at his face. It’s stunning, but why aren’t you grilling Pietro on his looks? I mean, he’s hot.
ELIZABETH
I just think it’s interesting. Especially since Michelangelo also carved the statue of David, the manliest man of marble I’ve ever seen. And David isn’t overly endowed in that department either. But here, he definitely gypped the Jesus. You’re right though, he is pretty hot.
DOCENT
Do you think so? I’ve never heard a woman comment on Jesus’ hot-ness, as you say.
CLARISSA
(swooning) Oh yeah. Jesus is sexy. Just my type. I’d do him. Gosh, did I . . .
ELIZABETH
(laughing)Yup, and Pietro and I both heard you.
The three pause and study the art in silence.
DOCENT
Perhaps Michelangelo sculpted a flaccid, smaller penis to avoid distracting from the emotion of the Lord, his suffering. The crucifix is symbolic…the marriage of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost…God’s sacrifice of his own Son in order that we may be free of original sin.
ELIZABETH
Or maybe, Michelangelo was in the midst of chiseling a really chubby member and slipped. One wrong cut and Jesus goes from having a serious package to having the appendage of a child.
CLARISSA
Does it matter? I mean, it’s not like the man got to use his…you know…rod. (she makes the sign of the cross)
ELIZABETH
Hold on there…didn’t Jesus do Mary?
CLARISSA
(sarcastic) Don’t you know anything? Mary was his mother. He didn’t do his mother. This isn’t Oedipus Rex.
ELIZABETH
No, not Mary his mother. Mary Magdalene.
DOCENT
Historically, there is no proof of Jesus having a sexual relationship with Mary Magdalene. Although some theologians suggest that there may have been some activity of a sexual nature between the two. The Gnostic gospels allude to Mary being “loved” more than all the disciples. Some say he regularly kissed her on the mouth, which raises the question of their physical connection.
CLARISSA
(To the docent) It always comes back to sex with my aunt. (To Elizabeth) Doesn’t it, Elizabeth? Why can’t you just see beautiful art? Why can’t you just let it speak to you, move you, without degrading it?
ELIZABETH
I’m not degrading anything. I’m just asking questions, making observations. That’s what art should do. It should make you think!
DOCENT
The entire priesthood is based on the notion that to be God’s vehicle, one must be celibate.
CLARISSA
I don’t think Jesus had sex. He was the Son of God, right? And God doesn’t need or want sex. He already has everything. He isn’t damaged like we are.
ELIZABETH
Jesus was human. He had a dick, and according to Michelangelo, a puny one. Or maybe, the little guy had turtle syndrome. There are showers and growers. It’s possible Jesus’ piece grew exponentially when it got hard. Martin, the guy I dated from the mini mart, he had a major inflatable.
CLARISSA
That’s disgusting.
ELIZABETH
Why is that disgusting? It’s anatomy. Some guys get their size from blood flow. Hey, I’m not judging. Martin didn’t have beans for brains but he was great in the sack.
DOCENT
(clearing his throat) It is now known that Michelangelo sculpted the Jesus naked once more. The statue of The Risen Christ is found in the Santa Maria sopra Minerva in Rome. Michelangelo was 46 when he finished this masterpiece. Christ is naked and he holds the burial shroud in his hand. Many in the church did not approve.
CLARISSA
As it should be.
ELIZABETH
Don’t be a prude.
CLARISSA
I’m not! I just feel that covered genitals detract less from the message.
DOCENT
Then you would be pleased to know that if you visit The Risen Christ in Rome, you will find his privates are obscured by a metal veil, added after Michelangelo’s death in 1564, and still in place today.
CLARISSA
A metal veil? That’s so goth.
ELIZABETH
No. That’s stupid. Why cover it up? Seriously, there must be a lot of repressed souls in the church.
DOCENT
Some people misinterpreted Michelangelo’s representation of Christ naked as an effort to marginalize him.
CLARISSA
Marginalize?
DOCENT
To offend, be irreverent.
ELIZABETH
Was it? Was it possible Michelangelo was just screwing around? Trying to get their dander up?
DOCENT
No, no, I don’t believe so. He was very devout. One could surmise that the petite rendering of the Lord’s genitalia was intentional. He must have had a reason.
ELIZABETH
Maybe we’re over thinking this. Maybe the answer is simple. Michelangelo carved his statues in places without central heating. Isn’t it reasonable to assume he was chipping away at the wood in a freezing cold room and unconsciously reproduced his own shriveled log and raisins?
An older woman enters and stands beside the group. They all turn to look at her.
MS. CRABTREE
Are you giving a tour?
DOCENT
In a way, although we seem to have stalled on this one piece of artwork. Would you care to join us?
MS. CRABTREE
Please. I’m early to meet my cousin. Maybe I’ll just join for a bit. What were you discussing?
ELIZABETH
The size of Jesus’ penis.
CLARISSA
(scandalized) I think we’ve finished with that, haven’t we Pietro? We can move on…
ELIZABETH
(loudly) You don’t have to control all of us. I’m not finished.
CLARISSA
(voice elevated and angry) God damn it Elizabeth! Oh shit! Sorry. Sorry. Taking the Lord’s name in vain. (crosses herself again) Christ! Oh, shit, I did it again. Sorry. Sorry.
DOCENT
We must keep our voices down ladies. (turns to Ms. Crabtree) I apologize Ms . . .
MS. CRABTREE
Crabtree. Oh, don’t apologize to me. This is already the best tour I’ve ever joined.
CLARISSA
Really? You don’t mind?
MS. CRABTREE
Oh, my dear. Everyone in my circle are fuddy duddies. They think when you get old you have to forget about sex, pretend your body parts don’t exist. That’s not me. I may have buried my husband, but not my urges. Take care of those myself.
CLARISSA
Good for you.
ELIZABETH
Then you don’t mind discussing Jesus’ privates?
MS. CRABTREE
Course not! I’ve often wondered about them myself. I always found the Son of God most attractive. Have to admit though, I draw the line at a female Jesus. Not that I don’t support feminism.
DOCENT
A female Jesus?
MS. CRABTREE
Hung briefly in St. John the Divine in New York. Bare breasts and all.
ELIZABETH
That’s cool.
MS. CRABTREE
Maybe so, for art’s sake. But I prefer the traditional Jesus. Sans garment is quite lovely, isn’t it?
ELIZABETH
Do you think his . . .
MS. CRABTREE
Manhood is a bit modest? Well, now that you mention it, yes. Yes, I do.
DOCENT
I believe the deeper question is: What was Michelangelo’s intention in portraying Jesus’ humanity.
CLARISSA
Yes, I suppose when you see his . . .winkie . . .you can’t ignore the fact that he was human.
MS. CRABTREE
And the Son of God. What a miraculous combination, don’t you think?
ELIZABETH
(sighing deeply) I would have dated him.
CLARISSA
Me too…I mean, if it wasn’t a sin and all that. I mean, if Jesus was like hanging around asking women out and stuff, I would have said yes if he asked me. Not that he would.
DOCENT
I would have said yes as well. Who wouldn’t? Can you imagine what it was like to be near him?
The four consider silently for a beat.
MS. CRABTREE
That’s probably why the church kept his sexuality under wraps. Didn’t want everyone to think Jesus spent his days and nights shagging followers.
ELIZABETH
I love that there’s no shame. We human beings spend a lot of time feeling shitty about ourselves. Maybe Michelangelo simply was saying, “Hey everybody, God has the goods too! And size isn’t everything.
DOCENT
Shame free, yes. A most enlightening conversation. I hesitate to suggest…shall we move on?
MS. CRABTREE
You go…I’ll wait here for my cousin.
DOCENT
Very well, pleasure to meet you Ms. Crabtree.
The trio walks off and you hear Elizabeth’s voice carry over the din.
ELIZABETH
What if Jesus looked like—I don’t know—some plain, homely dude, would he have had as many followers?
Ms Crabtree takes a breath. Slips her cell phone out of her pocket. First, she takes a picture of the crucifix, then she turns and takes a selfie with Jesus.
BLACK OUT